The Gift of Pain - Chapter 8

To read Chapters 1-7 of My Story - The Gift of Pain, click on the links at right.


The next morning, when I woke up, I rolled over and slowly realized I had slept though the night for the first time since my surgery. The pain was almost completely gone. I go out of bed, lifted my arm and shouted to Steve. Suddenly, I realized what had happened. For over a month, my shoulder had been dislocated and the sudden jerk from my fall the night before had set it back in place!

I moved my arm back and forth, amazed at the freedom of movement and how much the pain was reduced. For the rest of the day I was ecstatic, feeling like a fog had lifted from my brain. That night we decided to go out for frozen yogurt. I was smiling and happy, so glad to be out of the house and feeling human once again.

An old friend stopped by while we were sitting around chatting. She reached down and hugged me. As she did so, I could feel my shoulder slip back out and the searing pain return. I sucked in my breath and quickly turned away. As I did so, my sister saw the expression on my face and asked if I was all right. Tears started streaming down my face as I shook my head. I quickly got up and went to the bathroom inside the store.

I could not stand the pain and moved my arm this way and that, trying to get it set back in place. I was absolutely panicked and finally, in desperation, smashed my shoulder against the concrete wall, praying for relief. That did it. The shoulder was reset but my pain was still intense.

We went to see the doctor the next day and I related all that had happened since my last visit. I clearly had more mobility but the doctor would not believe that my shoulder had been dislocated all that time. He was very skeptical and made a referral to an orthopedist specializing in shoulders. I begged for some way to keep my shoulder from slipping out again and they fitted me with a brace, but my shoulder felt extremely loose and vulnerable and I was terrified at the thought of it slipping out again.

Once again, I started the medical merry-go-round of doctor’s visits, x-rays, and tests, followed by more doctor’s visits and more elaborate x-rays. After a prolonged period and another incident with my shoulder slipping out of joint, it was finally revealed. I had indeed dislocated my shoulder and torn the rotator cuff. Something had happened in that surgical unit when I was unconscious and this was the result. To make matters worse, I had developed frozen shoulder.

The orthopedist said that my case was extremely unusual (not the first time I had heard that) because the dislocation occurred in a different place than normal. This made it hard to detect in the first round of x-rays. He prescribed physical therapy and referred me to a Chronic Pain Management program.  He mentioned the possibility of surgery to correct the torn rotator cuff.  Needles to say, I was not in any hurry to go back under the knife.

The short-term relief I had felt after my shoulder reset the first time was long gone and I was back in a foggy tunnel of pain. The medication I was taking provided negligible relief. I was sinking lower and lower every day. I never imagined I could endure such unrelenting agony.

One day, I lay on my bed, crying out to God, baring my soul. For some strange reason, the picture of a broken pencil was floating in my mind.

“God, I am of no use to anyone. I am useless, like the broken end of a pencil – chewed up, missing the eraser, with the tip broken off. I want to die. What can you possibly do with a broken person like me?”

I had never felt so low and I truly wished for death. I could not imagine continuing my life in such a pitiful condition. As I lay there, bemoaning my state, I heard God’s voice whisper quietly and sweetly to my spirit. At first I couldn’t understand it, but slowly these words started to seep into my heart.

“My child, you may be broken. You may be just like that little nub of a pencil, but I can take that broken nub, sharpen the tip and with it, I can draw a masterpiece or write a symphony. And my daughter, I don't need an eraser, because I never make mistakes.”

My dear friend, as I write this, I can barely read the screen as the tears pour down. Because I know that these words are meant for you also. You may be broken, you may feel chewed up. You may wonder how God could possibly ever use someone like you.

This is the beauty of real relationship with God. When we are at the end of ourselves, He is there…

I cannot promise you a life free from pain, or healed relationships and easy living. But this I know, beyond a shadow of doubt. You will not be alone on your journey. The Lord is that “friend who sticks closer than a brother”. There is a peace and joy that transcends mere happiness as you grow in relationship with Him. Accept the gift of His presence.

He has promised this, and it is a promise on which you can rely.
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

Ever so slowly, the healing had begun, not just a physical healing, but the healing of my spirit.


The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe.
Proverbs 18:10