The Gift of Pain - Chapter 8

To read Chapters 1-7 of My Story - The Gift of Pain, click on the links at right.


The next morning, when I woke up, I rolled over and slowly realized I had slept though the night for the first time since my surgery. The pain was almost completely gone. I go out of bed, lifted my arm and shouted to Steve. Suddenly, I realized what had happened. For over a month, my shoulder had been dislocated and the sudden jerk from my fall the night before had set it back in place!

I moved my arm back and forth, amazed at the freedom of movement and how much the pain was reduced. For the rest of the day I was ecstatic, feeling like a fog had lifted from my brain. That night we decided to go out for frozen yogurt. I was smiling and happy, so glad to be out of the house and feeling human once again.

An old friend stopped by while we were sitting around chatting. She reached down and hugged me. As she did so, I could feel my shoulder slip back out and the searing pain return. I sucked in my breath and quickly turned away. As I did so, my sister saw the expression on my face and asked if I was all right. Tears started streaming down my face as I shook my head. I quickly got up and went to the bathroom inside the store.

I could not stand the pain and moved my arm this way and that, trying to get it set back in place. I was absolutely panicked and finally, in desperation, smashed my shoulder against the concrete wall, praying for relief. That did it. The shoulder was reset but my pain was still intense.

We went to see the doctor the next day and I related all that had happened since my last visit. I clearly had more mobility but the doctor would not believe that my shoulder had been dislocated all that time. He was very skeptical and made a referral to an orthopedist specializing in shoulders. I begged for some way to keep my shoulder from slipping out again and they fitted me with a brace, but my shoulder felt extremely loose and vulnerable and I was terrified at the thought of it slipping out again.

Once again, I started the medical merry-go-round of doctor’s visits, x-rays, and tests, followed by more doctor’s visits and more elaborate x-rays. After a prolonged period and another incident with my shoulder slipping out of joint, it was finally revealed. I had indeed dislocated my shoulder and torn the rotator cuff. Something had happened in that surgical unit when I was unconscious and this was the result. To make matters worse, I had developed frozen shoulder.

The orthopedist said that my case was extremely unusual (not the first time I had heard that) because the dislocation occurred in a different place than normal. This made it hard to detect in the first round of x-rays. He prescribed physical therapy and referred me to a Chronic Pain Management program.  He mentioned the possibility of surgery to correct the torn rotator cuff.  Needles to say, I was not in any hurry to go back under the knife.

The short-term relief I had felt after my shoulder reset the first time was long gone and I was back in a foggy tunnel of pain. The medication I was taking provided negligible relief. I was sinking lower and lower every day. I never imagined I could endure such unrelenting agony.

One day, I lay on my bed, crying out to God, baring my soul. For some strange reason, the picture of a broken pencil was floating in my mind.

“God, I am of no use to anyone. I am useless, like the broken end of a pencil – chewed up, missing the eraser, with the tip broken off. I want to die. What can you possibly do with a broken person like me?”

I had never felt so low and I truly wished for death. I could not imagine continuing my life in such a pitiful condition. As I lay there, bemoaning my state, I heard God’s voice whisper quietly and sweetly to my spirit. At first I couldn’t understand it, but slowly these words started to seep into my heart.

“My child, you may be broken. You may be just like that little nub of a pencil, but I can take that broken nub, sharpen the tip and with it, I can draw a masterpiece or write a symphony. And my daughter, I don't need an eraser, because I never make mistakes.”

My dear friend, as I write this, I can barely read the screen as the tears pour down. Because I know that these words are meant for you also. You may be broken, you may feel chewed up. You may wonder how God could possibly ever use someone like you.

This is the beauty of real relationship with God. When we are at the end of ourselves, He is there…

I cannot promise you a life free from pain, or healed relationships and easy living. But this I know, beyond a shadow of doubt. You will not be alone on your journey. The Lord is that “friend who sticks closer than a brother”. There is a peace and joy that transcends mere happiness as you grow in relationship with Him. Accept the gift of His presence.

He has promised this, and it is a promise on which you can rely.
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

Ever so slowly, the healing had begun, not just a physical healing, but the healing of my spirit.


The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe.
Proverbs 18:10

LIFE Stinks

I don't like to lose.  Just ask my husband, or for that matter, just ask my son.  Okay, just take my word for it.

Yesterday we decided to play a mild-mannered friendly little board game - The Game of Life.  Remember that one?  Well, this is an updated electronic version, with Visa cards and everything.  You get your own personal credit card and every time your turn comes around, you place it in the electronic LIFEpod.  It automatically calculates your salary and LIFE points, based on spaces you land on and cards you pick.

Well, today, (and just about every other time we play) Sam ruled.  I was conservative, picked a decent career, got a degree, and sucked swamp water by the end of the game.  Seemed like every card I picked up was something about dancing.  Let's just say this...dancing and writing don't pay!

Sam picked a career in sports...yes, sports and ended up with a $2,000,000 annual salary and $9,196,000 cash.  He was laughing at, no...

...more like mocking his mother by the end.  Steve was somewhere in between.  What really killed Steve was his five babies. He was a baby-making machine!  Those babies cost him a lot of money and didn't give him enough LIFE  points to make up the difference.

I'm trying not to be a sore loser, but I've lived over 40 years (not saying how many years over,), have a lot of life experience and am relatively intelligent.  Sam, on the other hand, is twelve!  What is a twelve-year-old going to do with a three million dollar salary and a mansion?  It's just not fair.  LIFE stinks.

This was just a game, and I'm over it now getting over it now, but the fact of the matter is ...

sometimes real life stinks too.  This past week will not go down in the annals of history as "the best week ever" for me.  I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know what to write.  I was hurting, confused and struggling to make sense of it all.  I realize I'm not going to "Find a winning lottery ticket on the street +$100,000" or "Be chosen as the cover model for my favorite magazine +$500,000", but I would like to catch a break now and then.

Although the week had a lousy start, something happened on the weekend that changed my perspective.  No, it wasn't playing a game with my guys, or even the fun birthday party at the beach.  The thing that changed my perspective was this...God spoke to me.  Now, before you think, "she's really lost it - she's hearing voices!", hear me out.

I chose to worship with other believers on Sunday.  I really just wanted to stay at home, curl up with a book and a pot of coffee and hibernate.  It's hard to put on that fake plastic smile, shake hands and play the role of "good Christian", when I feel like I'm anything but "good" and I have no answers. 

Here is where that beautiful, mysterious thing called "faith" becomes real and tangible.  I cannot base my relationships (with family, friends, the church or God), upon how I am feeling or what it is that I want to do.  So, I chose community over isolation and found God there and heard His voice.

I heard it in the warm hellos from the friends that greeted me.  I heard it in the sweet words of encouragement from my dear friend Deborah.  I heard it in the beautiful worship music that spoke healing to my heart.  But most of all, I heard it in the message that my pastor gave...just for me.  I know there were a lot of other people in that room.  Some of them may have even had the mistaken notion that the message was for them.

When my pastor said the words, "He hears our heart cry, so go ahead and cry", he meant me.  When he read the words in Jeremiah 31:3, he was reading them for me.  "God told them, "I've never quit loving you and never will.  Expect love, love, and more love!"".  

Yes!  God loves me, cares about me and wants to spend time with me!  What an incredible, beautiful thought.  When I'm tired, cranky, mean, hurting, happy, loving...whatever state of mind I may be in.  I can choose to accept his love, or choose to reject it.  Today, I am choosing God's love for me,  and passing it along to you.  Accept it as the gift that it is and, in turn, share it with someone else!

School Wars

I don't home school.

I have many friends who do.  I also have friends that have chosen unschooling, private schools, schools for the gifted, schools for the arts, religious schools and almost every other permutation imaginable.

Here's the thing that drives me up a wall!  Every single group feels that their way of schooling is IT! Any parent that chooses to educate their children differently is mislead at best and "out of God's will" at the worst.  They won't necessarily say it to your face, but when they get in the room with other like-minded parents, whoa mama!  You know it.  You have probably done it.  Heck, I've done it.  I have heard it all, the public school bashing, the home school dissing, the private school ranting.  Frankly, I'm tired of it.

I've heard all the negatives.  This is just a sampling.

- Home schooled and unschooled kids are socially awkward.  Yep!  I've met a few that are, but I've also met many more who are well-rounded, well-spoken and socially gifted.

- Public school kids will be exposed to foul language, ungodly teachers and drugs.  Yes! That may be true, but they will also learn (with their parent's guidance) to respect those they disagree with and stand up for what they believe.

- Private school kids are cliquish - Yeah, they certainly can be.  But, they can also be warm and expressive and benefit from the narrower focus of a private school or a Bible-based education.


Parenting is hard work and often just plain overwhelming.  What is best for you, may not be best for me and my kids.  I love the variety and the diversity of options available, but sometimes it's really hard to know if you are making the right decision for each child and their unique talents, abilities and disabilities.

A few year's back, we placed our son in a gifted program that turned out to be a terrible fit for him.  While he was there, I met other parents who struggled with the same problems and concerns.  We tried and tried to work with the teacher and the administration, but they were immovable, so...we returned our son back to his old school.  Other parents in the program, who voiced the same concerns we did, chose to leave their children in a situation that clearly didn't fit them, just so they could say their child was in a gifted program.

It is clear now, with his recent diagnosis of Asperger's, why that school didn't work, but we didn't have all the information then and made the best decision we could at that time. Upon his return to his original school, he was warmly welcomed and, with a lot of give and take between us, the teachers and the administrators, he received the help he needed.

In my 27 years of parenting, I've dealt with private Christian schools, public schools, and GATE (gifted) schools.  I have tried most of the schooling options out there.  So, where are my children now?  Our oldest graduated from a private Christian college after spending the majority of her years in public schools.  Presently, our two youngest are also in public school, one heading into junior high and the other entering high school next year.  This is what we feel is the best option for them at this time.  My kids have had amazing teachers and some, well, not-so-amazing teachers.  They have won awards and struggled in classes.  They have made friends and lost friends.  We have guided them through all the ups and downs of a public school education.

Like I said earlier, we have tried most of the options available, except for home schooling.  I have many friends that do, but it's just not a good fit for us.  There are several reasons why I choose to send my children 'into the fray' of the public school system.  You can judge me as a good mom, or a bad mom, I really don't care.  I didn't just fall off the back of the turnip truck.  I can handle critics.

Here are my top five reasons that I have not chosen to home school (please observe the tongue in my cheek!)

1. I really don't like my kids enough to be with them all day...no, really...I mean it...okay, just kidding.  But, I do have to admit, when I wave goodbye at the door or at the curb, I breathe a sweet sigh.
2. I have paid my tax dollars and I don't want it to go to waste on somebody else's kids.
3. I love my children, and I truly want the best for them and frankly, I'm not always the best for them.
4. The cast of characters that they meet, is great fodder for their budding careers as playwrights and novelists. 
5. I do not want my children to be smarter than I am.  "If publik skool was gud enuf for me, it's good enuf for them."

Okay, those may not be the real reasons we send our kids to public school.  The fact is, we have lived in school districts with some top-notch schools that our kids have been privileged to attend.  We have been blessed to have teachers and administrators that have loved, taught and cared for our children with incredible attention and integrity.  While I have battled illness, I have had adults rooting and advocating for my children.  For that, I thank God.

So, I am laying down the gauntlet. and issuing a challenge to all parents.  The next time you are tempted to criticize or scorn someone else and the choices they have made for their children, why not encourage them instead?  Find someone who is not like-minded and share the things you have learned or are learning from your own unique experience.  We will accomplish so much more with mutual encouragment and prayer than could ever be gained through criticism and disdain.

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.
James 3:16